Untouched and unedited. Raw and beautiful. Room 206 Pen Pals share the musings of their hearts.
Penpal Words By: Tayla Schroeder
Authenticity is bitter-sweet. This is because it often requires our illusionary or false self to be shattered so that our true self can be revealed. The problem is that so many people are not even aware that they have an illusionary self. This is because it has been so deeply ingrained into their lives and actions that they begin to identify it as their true selves. So the question is, what can we do to identify it?
THE ILLUSIONARY SELF
We all come into this world as pure and soulful beings. Take one look at a child and you will see what I mean. Bountiful joy, love and excitement pour from us on a daily basis. We run, play and laugh with effortless ease. Until one day we are told to keep quiet, to sit down… to calm down. And more and more society starts to take its effect on us as the innocence and radiance is slowly dimmed and replaced with disconnection and fear-driven tactics. This is where the illusionary self begins to form.
It begins as a child and then as we grow up and become adults our true self becomes more and more cloaked by our illusionary self and in turn we often completely forget the purity and purpose at the center of our being. We begin to wear a false self as a mask to try and fit in and be loved and accepted. We start to act in the way we think other people want us to act. We stop ourselves from living fully in fear that we will offend or irritate someone. We sometimes even go in the opposite direction and purposefully become spiteful and vindictive. There are many layers to the illusionary self which we start to build around our hearts as a form of protection.
Ultimately the illusionary self tells us that we need to live our lives on other people’s terms and that our true self isn’t welcome in the world. This often leads to depression depending on how severely this has been ingrained. Alcohol, drugs, food and sex become our escape and a gateway to temporarily tap into the natural states of bliss that have been forgotten with our true self.
HITTING ROCK BOTTOM
The dark night of the soul is referred to as a period within our lives when we come face to face with the truth of this illusionary self. It is usually triggered through an existential crisis and is the point at which we feel a deep disturbance and pain in our soul which activates a desperate yearning for truth.
Now this is where things get really tough. Where a huge cosmic mirror is held up before us and our true self is reflected, the self we have rejected, shunned and locked away. And it’s sure as hell not pretty. It’s messy and scary to see the truth. To see all the ways in which we have been pretending and masquerading for other people’s acceptance and approval. And this is where the true test comes as we are forced to navigate this depression and are given the choice to work with what is revealed, and grow, or to let it destroy us.
Now the truth is that this is just a part of life. And we have nobody to blame for this happening, it is what it is. We all experience this illusion as part of a soul contract which eventually, if worked with, will initiate us into our purpose and bless us with a unique medicine to share with the world.
THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL
As we move through this we begin to not only see that we have been pretending our way through life, but also that the only reason we have been doing this is because we had no choice and that this pretending actually served as our protection for many years. We only acted in these ways out of a natural instinct, and our intentions were always driven by our subconscious programming towards seeking community. This is the first step towards our liberation as we drop into an understanding and acceptance of the illusionary self. We forgive ourselves and become humbled by the lessons that have been revealed to us. Peace washes over us once again and from this place we realize that if we can forgive, love and accept our illusionary self then we can also begin to forgive, love and accept the true self that was locked away under all of those layers.
We now begin to see ourselves with a cleansed perception. We tap into the liberation and freedom that comes with allowing ourselves to just be. We stop using other people as measuring sticks to determine our value and instead we come into a sense of knowing that we are all equal. Once we have truly faced our own pain we automatically sense that we are not the only ones who have had to carry a burden and our empathy towards others becomes heightened.
COMING HOME TO YOURSELF
Ultimately in the end we understand that we are all just looking for a place to belong in the world, we all want to be loved and accepted and we want to live a life with purpose and meaning. We see that this is a common thread that connects us and in this realization we fully drop into a knowing of what it means to be human. We see that imperfection is unavoidable, we release all judgment towards ourselves and in doing so we release our judgment towards others. And this is where our safety is created. A warm nest begins to emerge from our heart space as we soften and open to all aspects of life. We breathe ourselves in fully once again and allow ourselves to take up the space on this Earth that was given to us as a birth right. We start to live in ayni (a sacred remembrance that we are all interconnected) and interact with the world as an integral part of it.
This is the birthplace of authenticity. The warmth of the nest in our hearts becomes a safe space where we slowly grow, we feel supported in our rediscovery of life and of ourselves until one day when we are ready to fly again. Our wings are spread as we fully tap back into our natural way of being and all of a sudden the death that occurred during our dark night of the soul is replaced with fresh green pastures and fragrant wild flowers. We see, feel and acknowledge our individuality as the greatest gift on earth and we inspire others just through our being. We fall in love with life again through the incredible amount of space that was stretched out within our hearts as we learnt to love ourselves and all of our imperfections.
As Brene’ Brown says: “Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.”